Without You
by Lil-half-rainbow
Summary: Edward's gone, Bella's suicidal, and everyone around her just doesn't know what to do. All they can do is hope. RxR, please! (Re-vamped)
1. Prologue

**Re-writing the few stories this site actually let me keep. I'm going to try for longer chapters this time around.**

Prologue

_"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." He rolled his eyes, like it was childishly obvious. "But I wasn't sure how to do it - I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help... so I was thinking maybe I'd go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."_

_"What is a Volturi?" I demanded._

_"The Volturi are a family," he explained, his eyes still remote. "A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose."_

* * *

The throng jostled around me, spinning me in the wrong direction.

* * *

"Edward, no!" I screamed, but my voice was lost in the roar of the chime.

* * *

"Alice!" I cried out hoping she could somehow help. Time slowed until I could count every second as it passed. I would be too late. I wouldn't make it. My heart would die. It would die as Edward did.

I don't know how long I sat there, slumped against the tower, staring into space. I recognized my feelings, just barely. It was like when Edward first left, but that hadn't been nearly this bad. Then I at least knew he was alive, took comfort in that fact. Now there was no comfort, no help. No hope.

Eventually, I saw Alice through my daze, and realized it was dark. Gently she took my arm and pulled me to the car, parked nearby. Then I was aware only of passing scenery, and Alice's voice as she talked on her cell.

I knew, somewhere in me, that I should question her. I tried to find my voice. "Where are we going?" It came out as more of a croak, but apparently she understood. She gave me a brief, calculating glance.

"Home, Bella."


	2. Chapter 1

The second I stepped out of Carlisle's car, I was wrapped in burning arms, squeezing me tight.

"_Jacob_," I sighed into his chest, wrapping my own weak arms around him. The pain eased, just a little.

Someone cleared their throat behind me, and I jumped.

"Maybe you should take her inside, Jacob. It's cold," Carlisle's kind voice rang out.

Jacob looked down at me, a strange look in his eyes, before looking over my shoulder, at Carlisle, I guessed. "I will... Thank you." I could tell how much those last words cost him, and how much he meant them. He took and pulled me up the steps to his house, but I stopped and looked back at the family of vampires... now six.

"Goodbye," I called softly as Jacob pulled me inside.

Thankfully he didn't push me to talk. He sat me down in his kitchen, gave me some kind of warm drink, and left them room. I heard him near though, talking low on the phone. I tried a sip of the liquid and nearly vomited as my stomach heaved. The residual taste was what I'd imagine ash to taste like.

"Bella?" I slowly turned my head towards him, feeling as if it were someone else doing it. He stood in the doorway, shifting his weight and biting his lip, looking apprehensive. He opened his mouth, then closed it a few times before sighing and then speaking. "I talked to Charlie." I knew that I should probably be worried about how upset he was, but the pain left little room for other emotions. Jacob lifted a hand to scratch the back of his head as he finally just leaned against the doorway. "He... He's worried, but he agreed to let you stay here for a bit. I thought... I mean, I just figured..." He sighed heavily. "I thought maybe, it'd be easier being around someone who knew... Well, _knew_." I nodded dimly. It made little difference where I went now. Even the little Jacob's presence helped didn't ease it enough for me to feel anything else really. He looked at me, as if waiting for me to say something, then sighed again.

"You looked tired. Come on, you can use my bed. More comfortable than the couch." I nodded dimly, and he took my arm, gently, as if I would just evaporate. He guided my numb feet to his room, nudged me to the bed, and, when I laid down, he covered me with the blanket. I could tell by his face he wanted to say more. To probably find something to say to help, to comfort. I turned away from him. There was nothing to say.

* * *

_My lungs were about to burst, desperate for air, but I kept running, knowing that my heart would burst if I stopped. I just kept running, with no idea where I was running to. Suddenly it was dark, and I slowed to a stop. Then I saw a pair of eyes look at me, out of the blackness._

"_Bella..." a voice hissed, filled with the pleasure of at last catching me. "Come here, Bella..."_

"_No!" I shouted back at the voice, and tried to move my legs away from it, but they wouldn't move._

_Suddenly the dark constricted, and two cloaked men stepped out of it, one of them pressing a knife to the others throat. The hoods fell back revealing the one with the knife as a vampire. The other was..._

"_Edward." My voice came out strangled, a tortured cry._

_My angel looked at me, his eyes blank, his face emotionless, though still perfect._

"_This is your fault Bella." His beautiful voice echoed in my head and tore holes in me as I stared at him with wide eyes._

"_No. Edward, don't say that, please," I whispered weakly, too shocked for even tears._

"_But it is, Bella. I would never have come here if I hadn't loved you, if I hadn't cared for you more than myself and my family."_

_Suddenly we were in front of the tower, the tower I was too late in reaching. As the tower's clock struck midnight, Edward's words kept replaying in my head, louder and louder, until there was no other sound. I clamped my hands to my ears and fell to my knees._

"_NO!" I screamed, trying to block out his voice, the words that were painfully ripping me apart. "No, no, no!" I felt my throat burst, but I kept screaming..._

"No!" I bolted upright, momentarily disoriented. As my breathing slowly calmed, I heard footsteps running down the hall. I pulled my knees to my chest, my back against the wall, and wrapped my arms around them, resting my head against my knees, as Jacob rushed in.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I heard his voice, thick with worry, as he sat beside me. I felt him hesitantly put his hand on my shoulder, before removing it and pulling me to his warm chest, rocking me back and forth gently, trying to provide comfort for a pain he didn't even know about.

I stiffened, Edward's words still filling my mind. He was right. It was my fault Edward was dead, and if I stayed with Jake, the same thing would happen to him.

The truth washed over me, accompanied by guilt. I pulled myself away from Jake, and, hurt, he let me go, unwilling to force me to do anything.

"I'm fine, Jake. Just a nightmare." My voice was dead, and I rolled away from him, my back to him, not bothering to listen to his reply.

I would protect him. Protect him from me.


	3. Chapter 2

After that, I went back to Charlie's house. Jake and Billy came to visit often, but I usually stayed in my room. I heard Charlie talking to Billy, once, about sending my to live with my mom. Jake overheard and begged him to let me stay. I crept back upstairs before I could hear my dad's answer.

Weeks passed. Then months. Full of the numbing pain, filling my body, my mind, making me incapable of thought.

I want to say years passed, but I'm not sure. The calendars all say it's only been seven months, but it _feels_ like years.

* * *

Slowly, an idea grew in my mind, sparked by a distant memory.

* * *

I felt the wind lashing against my face, whipping my loose clothing around my frail body, as I stood on the edge of the cliff looking down at the tumbling waves, crashing against the rocks below me.

_Just one step. _I thought. _Just one. Then there'll be no chance of hurting anyone else. Jacob, mom, dad, they'll be safe. Safe from me._

I was putting my foot out to take the step when a burning arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me back, away from my chance of safety in death.

"What are you doing Bella?!" I heard Jake shout angrily in my ear as I struggled uselessly against his arms. "What are you thinking?!"

"Let me go!" I made my voice as harsh as possible, trying to startle him into relaxing his grip.

Then we were gone. He swung me into his arms, bridal style, and marched down the path, with me still struggling.

Finally I stilled, out of what little energy I had. Little food and restless nights had made me even weaker than before. "Let me go," I tried again weakly, pleading. "Please."

He stopped, finally looking down at me, and I cringed at the anger in his eyes, and looked away, refusing to meet his eyes.

But when his voice came out soft and pleading, instead of harsh, I lifted my eyes to see that his eyes were more gentle now, as if he was begging to understand.

"Why? Why would you do that? Why would you want to? To end your life?" When I didn't reply, his face hardened again, and he began walking again, his smooth gait keeping me from being jostled. He looked straight ahead as he walked, and I watched his jaw clench and unclench.

Neither of us spoke, and we reached his Rabbit in silence. He strapped me in, and I could tell he was forcing himself to be gentle. He walked around to his side quickly, not giving me any time to escape, not that I could outrun him anyways.

As he started the car, I let myself slump against the passenger door, staring out the window. I felt him glance at me often, though I never looked away from the passing scenery.

Suddenly I had a flashback of the trip with Alice back from Volterra, though I only remember it faintly. I stared at the scenery then too.

Why did he stop me? He could have just let me go. I wouldn't be able to hurt him anymore. He could have had a better life. So why had he saved me?

We pulled up to his house, and he quickly pulled me out, still carrying me. I didn't even bother to protest.

He laid me carefully down on his bed, not looking at me. This time it was him avoiding my gaze. He stood hesitantly in front of me. I was still trying to understand why he had stopped me when he determinedly looked at me, making me flinch back at the intensity.

"How could you Bella? How _could _you?" He started to pace in the small space, and I shrank back, even though he made no move to touch me. He continued, gaining force. "I just don't understand. I _don't!_ Explain it to me! PLEASE!" At that last, desperate shout he faced me again, and I quickly avoided his gaze. What could I say? He wouldn't understand. If he did, he would never have stopped me from leaping.

Out of my peripherals, I saw his fists clench, and I realized I was in a confined space with a young werewolf that I had pissed off. Look like I might get my death after all. I just wish it wasn't in a way that would tear him up even more.

Apparently, he wasn't done speaking. His next words sliced through the familiar pain, adding a fresh slightly different layer on top. "I always thought you were someone amazing. Someone kind, and generous, and selfless. Idiotic, but selfless. I see now though. You really are selfish. Selfish enough to hurt us by letting us watch you suffer, then take the easy way out instead of fighting through it!" I jumped as his fist smashed into the doorway, splintering the wood. He turned his back on me, shoulders heaving. "I just... Gah. I can't believe you really are that selfish." He left me alone. I felt myself sinking even deeper as I watched him leave.

* * *

The dream was always the same as the first. It never hurt any less, never differed as it refreshed the wounds. The difference, this time, was when I woke up. I woke up to tears on my cheeks, use to it at this point. I was, however, not use to the burning touch on my hand. Jacob hadn't touched me since the day I first had the nightmare. He hadn't realized I was awake yet, and continued murmuring. When I focused, I could barely make out the words.

"Please Bella, please get better. Please, just be happy, someday."

"Jacob," I said softly, making him jerk, startled, and look at me. His expression was so hurt and vulnerable, I felt the small pieces left of my heart throb painfully. I always seemed to forget that Jake was only sixteen.

"What, Bella?" His voice was worse than his expression.

I carefully raised myself into a sitting position, never taking my eyes off him. I slowly lifted my hand, and gently brushed his cheek. "Why?" I asked him.

He just looked confused now.

"Why?" I repeated, searching his eyes. "Why are you always there for me? Why are you always there to help me?"

His eyes softened, and he smiled, though it was sad and resigned.

"Because I love you," he said, as if that explained it all.

And it did. I'd known that feeling all too well.

In that instant I decided to give him everything I had left. I'd tried to keep him from loving me, tried to keep away from him, but it was only causing him more pain, and it wasn't working.

I attempted to lift myself up higher, but my strength failed, and I flopped back on the bed. Jacob leaned closer anxiously, though, so I could still achieve my goal.

I pressed my lips to his.

I could feel his surprise, before his lips began moving against mine. His hand pressed down on the bed, on both sides of me as he leaned in more.

We finally broke apart, both of us breathing heavily, just staring at each other. His right hand came up to gently cup my cheek. I closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth of his touch this time. It wasn't quite burning, when I accepted it. His thumb hesitantly stroked across my bottom lip.

"Bella?" I opened my eyes to look at him. "What... What was that?"

I bit my lip trying to figure out how to phrase it. "I'm... I'm not whole Jacob. When he... _What happened_ didn't just hurt me, it broke me. It's like I can't reconnect to me. When you're around though, it gets easier to... feel, I guess. Feel something besides pain, anyways." I glanced away from his searching look. "What I'm saying is... I don't have a lot to offer. I'm missing peices, and its kinda like I'm a puppet unhooked from its strings. I don't think or feel right anymore. I can't seem to keep from hurting everyone around me. And I don't see why anyone would want baggage like me. But... if what little I _can _offer will make you happy for a while Jacob, then its your's."

His eyes widened, and he stopped breathing as he stared at me. Finally, he breathed out, "You mean...?"

I grimaced and nodded. "You're the most important person I have Jacob." _Now._ "You help me, and I want you to be happy."

He smiled at me, widely though it was still tender. "Bella... I love you," he murmured, before leaning down to capture my lips again.

I found it was a little easier to breath.


	4. Chapter 3

Thankfully, Jacob didn't tell Charlie. I winced, thinking about how upset he would have been. Looking back now, I realized that what I'd wanted to do, what I'd tried, really had been selfish. And stupid. So stupid.

I was sitting curled up on his couch now. It had been about a week since the 'incident' and, somehow, Jacob got Charlie to agree to let me stay here again. Maybe Charlie realized that Jacob helped. Charlie had been by often though. He usually brought Sue Clearwater with him, and I could see that she was helping him through everything- including what I'd put him through. Jacob's friends had been over too, and while at first they'd shied away from the 'vampire girl', as I heard them call me, they stopped being as careful when they seemed to realize how much Jacob helped me. Jacob had also just started trying to get me out and about more, even if it was going to the store. I guess he wanted me to have human contact, feel normal.

* * *

"Hey, Bella!" I turned my head to see Embry and Quil jogging over to where Jake and I were sitting on the beach. Embry waved when I looked at him, and I smiled, even though it wasn't as easy when I was smiling at Jake.

"Hey Jake," Quil said as they sat beside us in the sand. "How's it going?"

Jake gave my hand a small squeeze. "It's going good."

It's been six weeks since Jake's and my first kiss, and there's been plenty since then. It was easy being with Jake, almost too easy.

Since that night, I've been getting better. I can smile somewhat easier. Charlie actually started smiling when he saw me, instead of studying me, trying to figure out when I'd break. I wasn't completely healed yet, and I don't think I ever will be, but I was getting close.

"Hey, you guys up for a bonfire later?" Embry offered.

Jake looked at me, silently asking me if I was okay to go. I gave him a reassuring smile, then turned to Embry and nodded. Jake was still being careful with me, but he was starting to treat me normal again.

* * *

"Come on, Jake, do we really have to wait for Sam?" Paul pleaded. "Can't we just eat, and save him some?"

Jake raised an eyebrow at him from his place beside me on a log. "If you start eating, there won't _be_ any left," Jake teased, but just as the words left him, Sam trotted out of the trees. He nodded at the boys, gave me the usual calculating glance, and sat next to Emily. I had to look away from the emotion swirling about them. I knew Jacob and I weren't quite that bad. Kim and I made eyes contact, and giggled at Sam and Emily's pda. Then everyone was still as they stared at me. "What?"

Jacob's arm around my waist pulled me closer. "Bella, you just laughed. _Giggled_, actually," he murmured in my ear. My eyes widened when I realized why they were staring. I hadn't laughed since Volterra. "Oh." I felt my cheeks blushing, and the pack laughed, turning back to their conversations.

As I tuned out the chatter, I sat thinking about that laugh. I felt kinda normal. I looked around at the pack. They were friends now. I could consider them friends. True, Jacob was the reason I felt I could breathe now, but these people had helped, in their own way. They made me feel sorta normal. They were helping me heal.

I'd been trying to focus on the moment, ever since that first kiss with Jacob. I refused to let myself reflect, and Jacob had been happy with that. Now I looked back at the past few weeks. Where I'd been just a few weeks ago was far from where I was at this moment. I was nowhere near healed, but still. I could think past the pain. I could smile easier. I had _laughed_. But still, I knew there was something else I needed to do. I liked who I was now, but I still wanted some of who I was from _before_. I needed to find some middle ground. I sighed, then game Jacob a small smile when he looked at me worriedly.

This was gonna hurt.

* * *

I took out my phone, and typed in the number I barely remembered.

"Hello?" Alice's voice sounded wary.

Taking a deep breath, I calmed myself. "Hey Alice. It's Bella."

I heard her unnecessary breath stop. "What going on? Are you alright?"

"Yeah Alice, I'm fine. I just... need to talk to you guys. Can you come pick me up?" I asked nervously.

Another, slightly longer pause. "Is Jake with you?"

I shot a nervous glance out the window, as if he might appear outside my house. I'd convince Jacob I needed a week with my dad. It was true, but I was going to spend today in another matter, while Charlie was working. "No," I answered.

"Does he know you're coming to a house full of vampires?" Alice's tone was level, giving nothing away. I shifted my weight, wondering if she knew Jacob would help me when she called him on the way home from Volterra. Wonder if she knew what he meant to me.

I didn't want anymore questions. "Please, Alice, just come pick me up. I'll explain it later."

This time she was quiet for a whole minute. "Alright." Then she hung up, and I leaned against the wall, trying to prepare myself the best I could.

After sitting in tense silence for about ten minutes, a car pulled up. I watched as Alice got out of the car, and blinked at Jasper climbing out of the passenger seat. Maybe she was worried about my reactions. I watched as she hesitated before determinedly walking to the door. Jasper looked at me, smiling gently when we made eye contact, before following her.

I was already grabbing my jacket and opening the door when she finally knocked. I opened the door, stepped out, and shrugged into my jacket, using it as an excuse to avoid their eyes for the moment.

Alice was staring at me when I looked up, as if wondering if I would break. "Hey Alice," I said in a sad attempt to sound normal.

"Hey, Bella," her voice was just as musical as I remembered. "How are you?" she asked cautiously.

"I'm... not fine, but I'm getting there," I told her honestly. "Can we go to your house? I... I'd like to see everyone."

She nodded, and the three of us got in the car. The ride was quiet, though I had a feeling Jasper was constantly checking my emotions. Before I knew it, we were pulling up the distantly familiar driveway.

I hesitated on the first step to their porch, waves of uneasiness rolling through me, before it was covered with a blanket of calm. _Jasper,_ I thought to myself. I made myself climb the steps leading to the door, where Alice patiently waited for me, Jasper already inside. I heard him talking, probably informing the others about my emotional health.

Glancing at me cautiously, she lead the way into the Cullen's living room. The house that had once been so familiar to me, now seemed alien.

The rest of the family- the remainder of the family- stood waiting there for me, even Rosalie. They all smile softly at me, instead of their usually warm greetings. I guess Jasper had warned them that I was... more fragile, even for a human.

Esme stepped forward, as beautiful as always, her arms open wide. "Welcome Bella," she said softly, pulling me in for a hug. I flinched, unused to the cold having spent so much time lately with Jacob. The others all kept their distance, for which I was thankful. Seeing them already brought up plenty of memories.

Carlisle cleared his throat, his ever present kind smile directed at me. "So, Alice said you needed to speak to us about something?" He, too, spoke gently, as if I was a deer on the edge of being startled away.

I nodded, feeling the nervousness coming, before I pushed it back, this time without Jasper's help. "I just wanted to see you. I've missed you all. I... I still want to be friends. If that's what you all want, I mean?" I phrased my last statement as a question.

Carlisle smile, and I had to focus on not drawing similarities between him and the smiles of my past. "Of course Bella. You'll always be part of our family."

I didn't know what to say. I'd said what I'd come to say, and that was pretty much all I'd planned out. Luckily, it seems Alice was as knowing as always.

"So, how's Jacob?"

I could almost feel my face brighten at the sound of his name. "He's good. Really good."

She smiled at me, this time a bit more like her cheerful self. She grabbed my hand and began pulling me up the stairs towards what I knew was her room. I didn't even think about it though, as she started firing question after question at me, about how the pack was, what was happening between Jake and me, ect. I turned briefly to wave goodbye at the rest of the family as I got pulled away, and they all smiled back at me, except for Rosalie, who avoided my gaze.

As we sat talking on her bed, I felt a little more of me heal. It felt weird, almost wrong, being here without him, but it felt really good sharing my new life with her.

Suddenly there was a knock on her bedroom door. It swung open to show Jasper looking amused, but irritated. "Bella," he half-smirked good naturedly, "It seems a stray dog followed you home." I heard Emmett laugh from where ever he was in the house, and what sounded like a feminine snicker. My eyes widened and I jumped off Alice's bed, hearing her chuckle as she trailed in my mad dash out of the room. I stopped halfway down the stairs, glaring eyes meeting mine.

"Uh. Hi. I, uh, I had a few free hours while Charlie was working," I meeked out, knowing I was in trouble.

An eyebrow rose. "_Charlie_ is home. _Charlie_ is how I knew _you_ weren't home. _Charlie_ told me where you were. _Charlie_ got home two hours ago." My eyes widened, and I pulled out my phone to look at the time. I can't believe Alice and I had talked for so long.

"Oh." I gave him a hopeful smile, and I heard someone snort from another room.

Carlisle came to the rescue. "I hope you don't mind her coming over. I promise we took excellent care of her." And suddenly the rescue sounded more like explaining why your child's friend was over to their parents.

Jacob opened his mouth to argue, but I suddenly felt irritated. "Jacob, I have the right to come here, as long as they want me to. What... happened doesn't change how much I loved the Cullens. And you certainly don't own me." I don't know where the anger in my voice came from, but it almost felt good.

Jacob, and everyone, I was sure, was staring at me. Finally, his mouth tweaked, he nodded. "You're right, I know. I just wish you had told me. I was worried." I looked in his eyes and saw that he had been really worried and sighed. I really had been there for a while. I turned around to look at Alice watching from a few steps up from me, Jasper there with a hand around her waist. She smiled brightly at me.

"Go ahead Bella. I can already see that we're going to hang out again soon." I smiled back, and then finished walking down the stairs. I hugged Esme, nodded at Jasper, and called out a "Goodbye" to Emmett, wherever the behemoth was. I wasn't sure if Rosalie still hated me. Probably. I promised Carlisle I'd call, and come back to visit soon, then Jacob led me outside to his Rabbit.

I got into the car, allowing my thoughts to wash over the past few hours. Of course I'd known how much I'd missed Alice, but today it had really hit home. Just because I'd lost... one Cullen, didn't mean I had to lose them all.

I smiled happily, feeling another piece of my old self fall into place. I now had my best friend back.

Then I remember what I'd said to Jacob. What I said had been true, but I still felt frustrated. I looked determinedly ahead of me. We drove for a few minutes, before he pulled over on the side of the road, and I finally looked at him, only to find him staring at me. I started talking before he could.

"I'm not going to apologize. I have every right to see them. Every!" It seemed the irrational anger was back. "And maybe, _maybe_, I could have mentioned it, but would you have let me go? I don't need your permission to see them! And its not like I was in any real danger. Sure, Jasper may have gone for me, but that was forever ago." _Buried in forbidden memories_, my mind provided. "As long as I don't... you know, _bleed_ in front of them, they have perfect control! There's no reason for you to be upset. And no reason for you to just show up! You could have just called." I was breathing harder than normal after my rant, and I felt even more annoyed when Jacob just sat there, looking amused, with his eyebrows raised.

After a paused, he smirked. "Feel better?" I opened my mouth to make a smart ass retort, then actually thought about his question. I hadn't actually been mad, irritated, or anything really similar since before Volterra. As much as I'd felt better after spending time with Alice, shouting had made me feel better too.

I looked at him, then looked away, suddenly all my anger gone. "Yeah," I answered quietly.

I felt Jacob's hand run through my hair, and I looked at him. He smiled at me. "Good babe." He kissed my forehead and started the car again. I frowned at him, then turned in my seat and folded my arms across my chest, feeling irritated again.

"When the hell did you get so smart? Aren't I suppose to be older than you?" I sounded petulant, even to myself.

I saw him smirk from the corner of my eye. "Well, I figure being supernatural and all gave me a few years on you." I snorted, thinking back to our multiple debates on our ages, based on achievements and skills. "Whatever," I muttered, adding to my new childish streak.

He laughed all the way back to Charlies'.


End file.
